No signal

God... need to ask You something.

Not the church answer.

Why’d You let it get that bad?

Why’d You give me just enough strength to survive things I still resent?

Family values turned family manipulation,

Love came with conditions, guilt became communication.

“Do this if you love me, stay if you care.”

Learned peace meant keeping everybody happy.

Learned love sounded like “You owe me after all I’ve done.”

So I became everybody’s answer... before I ever became someone.

Some nights it felt like You gave me just enough to break...

Not enough to end me, just enough to bring me down.

I kept screaming, “God, where You at?!”

Like Heaven lost my number!

Like You watched me lose myself and let me disappear under!

Thought You cut the signal, thought You left me on my own...

Maybe You let me break just enough to finally bring me home.

No signal... that’s what I called it.

Got real good at looking normal, that’s the dangerous part.

Still worked, still laughed, playing out my part.

Every family fight where somehow I apologized for it all,

Questioning my memory, wondering if I was the problem at the wall.

They called me “too sensitive,” “too distant,” “too hard”,

Funny how they call you difficult when you finally guard your heart.

Some nights it felt like You gave me just enough to break...

Not enough to end me, just enough to bring me down.

I kept screaming, “God, where You at?!”

Like Heaven lost my number!

Like You watched me lose myself and let me disappear under!

Thought You cut the signal, thought You left me on my own...

Maybe You let me break just enough to finally bring me home.

No signal... that’s what I called it.

I’m learning forgiveness doesn’t mean reopening every door.

Blood doesn’t make manipulation holy anymore.

God, I’m angry. God, I’m tired. God, I don’t understand...

And I’m finding out You can handle that.

I kept screaming, “God, where You at?!”

Like Heaven lost my number!

Like You handed me this mind, then left me under the thunder!

Thought You cut the signal, thought You left me here alone...

Maybe You gave me just enough breaking to finally bring me home.

No signal... that’s what I called it.

Maybe You never left.

Wrong question.

God, I’m listening.